True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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