I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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