you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
