I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
