I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
