every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dear god my vagina.
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