I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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