my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
