What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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