dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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