Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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