Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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