It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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