yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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