Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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