I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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