Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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