PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
