return my video game
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
