My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
