i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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