I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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