This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
