I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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