New invention idea: vibrating tampons
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
