when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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