I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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