Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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