we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just invented taco cereal.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
