EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
the day after is always just damage control
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
