shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
