The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
