I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
