Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
