Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
