Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
