He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
