I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
