capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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