Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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