Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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