GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
