Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
