Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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