We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
