Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
