Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
