five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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