The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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