so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
