I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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