Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
