so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
