you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
