fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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