Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
