Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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