the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Someone came in the potted fern
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
