True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
