I didn't shave. On purpose
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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