that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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